I am not the kind to began a text with a pessimistic tone but I must confess, all parents we are bound to fail. The reality is there is no easy road to raise our children. We can get as much theory as we want — exactly what I did — but until actual real life situations, we are clueless.
Until we deal with our little human that we call our own, there is nothing that can prepare or engage you in the “right” way. Most of us are unaware and sometimes overconfident to have it all under control. Truth is, the only thing constant within raising a child, is change.
Every time I thought I had my daughter all figure out, down to a T. She evolved, changed, metamorphosed and bloomed into her beautiful self. Which more often then I’d like to admit unbalanced me. I became accustom into counting the hours between her sleep and he meal time to insure I wasn't missing her cues instead of trying to learn them and learn her needs. Instead of spending time getting to know her personality I spent most of my time looking at the clock.
Something had to give, once I realise I wasn't paying attention to her need but calculating them I felt disconnected with my daughter, I felt I've lost all this precious time to get to know her. Me, who did everything I felt was right for us, (co-sleep, baby wear, nurse..) to keep us in sync, close, strong mother & daughter bond. I had lost track of my main goal by the discomfort of change that her evolution “imposed” on me.
How could this be ?! When I read all the books on being connected, loving and caring parent. I felt the ground shake beneath me. Could I have lost 16 months counting hours instead of counting blessings ? I know — I am being dramatic for the purpose of this post but truth is a reality check hit me and I’ve made major change in my approach.
It is with pride and joy I can successfully commit to the following ; I have drop the clock !! I am taking the time to get to know my 17 months old. It is still challenging and probably will always be… I do question her needs, I spend time observing her with a different goal then simply being in awe of her accomplishment or failure.
A few weeks ago, I found myself baffled when my husband who spend not even half as much time I spent with our daughter knowing and understanding what she needed at a time I was struggling to figure her out. It was somewhat “hurting” the motherhood and woman side of my ego because I want to do beyond great, because I set the bar so high into my choice of becoming a mother that at times it may affects my judgement. Instead of being glad my hubby is aware of what our child needs I found myself at lost of words and I question my ability to be a “good” mum. Is this what being a good mom is ? Being afraid of being a bad one ?
There is no better way to understand and realise what kind of mom or dad we actually are differing from the one we want to be then having hard concrete experiences. I don’t think parenthood changed me. It reenforced who I was and made me realise who I actually am.
Of course my priorities have changed. I have adopted a complete new transformation as a lifestyle, I have become a full time mum. When I am with friends or family I spent most of my time talking about education, psychology and other experiences I lived with my daughter. Wether it is the latest word she said or that time she climbed somewhere I am “always” thinking or talking about her. At night, when she sleeps I can’t help looking at all the pictures and videos taken in my mobile even though I have look at them the previous night. My heart sinks when she grows out of her clothes it reminds me of how much everything goes.. My soul is forever partly mine, partly hers. I am forever, mother.
I have seen this popular quote by Jill Churchill and I am sure most of you have seen it too but let me conclude with this because this really reflects how motherhood aka parenthood is ; “There is no way to be a perfect mum but a million the be a good one”
Beezeemum
Every time I thought I had my daughter all figure out, down to a T. She evolved, changed, metamorphosed and bloomed into her beautiful self. Which more often then I’d like to admit unbalanced me. I became accustom into counting the hours between her sleep and he meal time to insure I wasn't missing her cues instead of trying to learn them and learn her needs. Instead of spending time getting to know her personality I spent most of my time looking at the clock.
Something had to give, once I realise I wasn't paying attention to her need but calculating them I felt disconnected with my daughter, I felt I've lost all this precious time to get to know her. Me, who did everything I felt was right for us, (co-sleep, baby wear, nurse..) to keep us in sync, close, strong mother & daughter bond. I had lost track of my main goal by the discomfort of change that her evolution “imposed” on me.
How could this be ?! When I read all the books on being connected, loving and caring parent. I felt the ground shake beneath me. Could I have lost 16 months counting hours instead of counting blessings ? I know — I am being dramatic for the purpose of this post but truth is a reality check hit me and I’ve made major change in my approach.
It is with pride and joy I can successfully commit to the following ; I have drop the clock !! I am taking the time to get to know my 17 months old. It is still challenging and probably will always be… I do question her needs, I spend time observing her with a different goal then simply being in awe of her accomplishment or failure.
A few weeks ago, I found myself baffled when my husband who spend not even half as much time I spent with our daughter knowing and understanding what she needed at a time I was struggling to figure her out. It was somewhat “hurting” the motherhood and woman side of my ego because I want to do beyond great, because I set the bar so high into my choice of becoming a mother that at times it may affects my judgement. Instead of being glad my hubby is aware of what our child needs I found myself at lost of words and I question my ability to be a “good” mum. Is this what being a good mom is ? Being afraid of being a bad one ?
There is no better way to understand and realise what kind of mom or dad we actually are differing from the one we want to be then having hard concrete experiences. I don’t think parenthood changed me. It reenforced who I was and made me realise who I actually am.
Of course my priorities have changed. I have adopted a complete new transformation as a lifestyle, I have become a full time mum. When I am with friends or family I spent most of my time talking about education, psychology and other experiences I lived with my daughter. Wether it is the latest word she said or that time she climbed somewhere I am “always” thinking or talking about her. At night, when she sleeps I can’t help looking at all the pictures and videos taken in my mobile even though I have look at them the previous night. My heart sinks when she grows out of her clothes it reminds me of how much everything goes.. My soul is forever partly mine, partly hers. I am forever, mother.
I have seen this popular quote by Jill Churchill and I am sure most of you have seen it too but let me conclude with this because this really reflects how motherhood aka parenthood is ; “There is no way to be a perfect mum but a million the be a good one”
Beezeemum